"you're meek, but not in a bad way. You're the kind of meek that shows that you are thoughtful and think about what you say. This makes it difficult for you to meet new people, but when you do and you get close to them you are a loyal friend. This makes it difficult for you to face conflict. You're witty and realist but at the same time still sensitive."

thinking.

You really start to question the validation of your existence when you can get people to like you for your looks, but can't get them to stick around because of your personality. I can't let that affect me anymore. Officially beginning hardassery.

dat innocent look may work wit hoomans

Tomorrow I'm going to skip lunch and work on all my homework. I've fallen too far behind in my classwork. Then hopefully Brad and Peter are coming down for The Office. Maybe even Dylan and Peyton can come. I get to go to the doctor Friday. But that means I miss piano. And I get to go to Bloomington to hang out with babiskot. But that also means I miss chicago/dashney/daveylately/adamsheets/pretty much everyone else. Today Tulo said "that would be like telling you not to be negative." I don't want to be like that anymore. When did I stop being a hardass and turn into Debbie Downer?

i take my twist with a shout

I pray everyday that somehow I'll figure out why I'm so tired all of the time. I'm just going to have to keep on keepin' on to figure out how to fix it. I'm still working on my dress. It's for my wedding. I'm going to wear it when I kill people. I'm going to visit my mom this week hopefully. And get a hair cut.

I don't need a smile from a mannequin. 

I just want to hold you in my hands!

kid those things are hard to miss

I played my first show tonight with Future Nature. I never think I do very well when I play, and it was very scary, but it was really fun. Playing As Tall As Cliffs with everyone was probably the most fun I've had in  a very long time. I think we'll be playing together again at village green sunday. I'm still super sick. I still haven't gotten my cat. I'm taking guitar next semester. I've been reading questionable content nonstop. 

iwishiwishiwishiwishiwish. 

I feel it all.

Today Nick came over and we played UNO. I had lots of fun. I'm still somewhat bedridden, and I skipped my first class today. Hopefully I won't have to skip mythology tomorrow. But at least I get to go to the doctor, and I won't have to worry about HPV anymore. And I'll get to find out some more information about the bone marrow situation. I almost had my dad talked into getting me a cat today. Then when I called him later about it he said "I was hoping you'd forget." I'm going to name it Boo Radley so I can call it Boo. I'm going to go read Hot Water Music so I can maybe give it back to Nathan eventually. I've never been a big Bukowski fan, but I've read pretty much all the Salinger I can, so I'll give it a try. Oh and of course I'll probably read Twilight again. In fact, maybe I'll read them all as many times as I can before the movie comes out. Or before I die. Who knows?

Where is my mind?

This isn't going to be interesting or exciting at all. I need to post this on the internet instead of just writing it down so that I'll have some incentive to hold myself accountable.

I'm going to pull myself out of this slump. My plan of action:

1. Get a job. School is too easy and getting better at piano isn't enough for me, so I need to get some sense of accomplishment by doing something more important than sitting around watching Talk Sex with Sue. Plus, I'll be able to get my new Minnetonka boots and start my polaroid-a-day project with the fat cash I'll be making.

2. Make a dress. I've had the supplies for one for almost a year now but I've been too scared to mess it up and waste the fabric. I'm sure this will happen but with my new job I'll be able to buy new fabric when I need to. 

3. Start my polaroid-a-day project. I'll be taking a polaroid of something super exciting each day to document my youth and realize how great things can be sometimes.

4. Go to the doctor and figure out why I'm so tired all the time.

5. Go to sleep.

mehr.

The most frightening thing I have ever experienced is what I am going through now. I look toward the future and see absolutely nothing for certain, besides about 80,000 dollars of debt in school loans. I have no idea what I want to do, no idea what to major in, no clue as to what classes to even take next semester. I know I'm not satisfied here. I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied anywhere. Everyday I can picture myself doing something different, and everyday I can picture myself completely unhappy doing that exact thing. I know college students go through something similar to this, but I feel like this is different. I have no interests in my classes besides getting good grades. I like being able to learn something new, but I never get excited about what I'm actually doing. I don't want to end up like every other human being who is dissatisfied at work, and I don't want to get a useless degree, and I want to be able to make a difference with my life. And the more I think about it, the worse it gets. 

hmm.

I love this essay I'm writing about how the Internet is changing the music industry. It's actually something that's interesting, and it's actually too long. That's the first time that's happened in college. I'm also writing an essay about women in the broadcasting industry. I also discovered I'm going to be one of the first woman in my family without having graduated from high school/ college with a child. I've decided I'm going to achieve my goals after I've figured them out so my grandmother can live vicariously through me. Right before my grandpa and her met, she was singing on the radio. Then everything changed. That's not going to happen to me. I'm going to marry myself like the Lifetime movie then figure out how to asexually reproduce. My car is going into the shop again- third time in two weeks. This weekend, I get to watch the Office with some of my besties and then have a hotel partay and then go see Margot at the Murat with almost all of my besties. 

Guess who should have never fallen for you?

This girl. 

oops voucher

Brad, Kaela, Amanda, Peter, and I carved a pumpkin last night. It's in the shape of a haunter. And we're going to get our pictures taken with it. I've missed my chance with a lot of things. But at least my english prof accepted my essay and I'm not going to fail the class. And I think this week might be the toughest of my academic career. Maybe I should only go to Muncie once. This morning I saw Ty Wy riding his bike and he went to the grocery with us. He's going to build me a nice bike that fits me. I can't wait to see Margot next week. All the deeges are coming in the apartment now. I think this next week at school will be the toughest of my academic career. 

rough day

Today is hard. I'm feeling pretty sick. And I've probably got another hour or so of homework left. Tonight I found an email from a prof that I hadn't turned in my first essay. I thought I did, but technology obviously failed me. So I have a zero for that grade. If I don't figure something out, I fail the class. At least I can look forward to The Office tomorrow. 

Anddddd you're real confusing.

lololol

I found an old friend's blog today. He is now a raging atheist. He says, "I have made fun of god and the idea of him everyday for easily the last 6 years." When we met roughly a year and a half ago, he told me he was a practicing Buddhist. Eventually he began talking about how he needed to start going to church with his family again. I wonder if it's a common occurrence for Atheists to bitch out of announcing their beliefs in front of girls they like? Or if he's just a cheating, lying...man? Probably both. It was really easy to post blogs all over the internet about how Christians are complete idiots, but when it came down to discussing it with someone he cared about, he couldn't back his shit up. 

Just another reason I hate men, and womenarebetterthanmen.com.

pissin' and moanin'

Too many awful things happened this weekend. I hate when people fight. I hate when people say mean things. I hate finding pictures of the two of you on the internet. I hate seeing old messages from old love interests. I hate being tired all of the time. I hate being so confused about everyone else, and what I'm supposed to do. And I still hate you. 

Waaahhhh. 

spectacular views

Sitting in journalism, waiting for Bob Dittmer to stop talking about some interview with Sugarland. I have too much homework today. I get to go home tonight and eat dinner with my family. Hopefully I'll get my car back too. I also get to take my sewing machine home to make Brad's birthday present. I can't wait to get my Finite test over with.

Sometimes I see the people at IUPUI and become really sad. Like, I can tell they're alone or they're not very smart or they're older or they haven't had the same opportunities that I have. I don't like it.