top ten things i'd like to do

pretty boreeddd

1. Have a baby. If not many. Specifically named: Benjamin, Lucas, Scott, Rose, Elizabeth, Grace, Annie, Adelaide, etc.

2. Get a lot better at the instruments I play.

3. Get a college degree. 

4. Get a miniature dachshund. 

5. Learn how to speak another language and go to places that speak that language. French would be cool. 

6. Make my own wedding dress. I don't really care about getting married, but I'd like to get good enough at making clothes that I could if the opportunity arose.

5. Get the Sailor Moon Chibi costume I want from ebay. Pretty self-explanatory.

7. Get a job I enjoy. Please note that this comes after the Sailor Moon costume. 

8. Live alone. With a dog though. 

9. Stop biting my nails.

10. Have a relationship like one from our grandparents' generation, involving chivalry and propriety, instead of someone trying just to take advantage of me : ]

Today is my last day of classes for the semester. It went by very fast. I still don't know what I want to do. I still don't know where I'd like to be next year. But I know I'd like a kitten.

festivites

I just got done making paper snowflakes. I've also been very sick this week. I've probably slept 75 percent of the past two days. Hopefully our party is fun tomorrow. Oh, and, I've lost most of the respect I ever had for you. 

For the sake of everyone else, I'm going to push my own brain out of my head and just wait until a hundred years from now to put it back. 

another bag of bones

I got to see Kevin Devine and Andy Hull in Cincinatti yesterday. I only wish they could have played longer. But it'll be all right, cause I'll see them all again I'm sure. Currently I'm learning about ethics in journalism class. It's scary to see how far the media will go to get or create a story. This Christmas break is going to be very busy, but I can't wait to go home for a little bit. And I can't wait to start working at Coldstone so I can start making my gifts. I can't believe it's already December. My life is going too fast.  

thanksgiving eve

I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm wondering how dinner with my mother is going to work out.. I'm awfully tired, but I want to stay up and watch My Fair Lady. I need to sleep though. And I'm officially going to see Manchester Orchestra and Kevin Devine on Sunday. 

reflection

I've recently picked up the habit of sitting outside at night and reflecting on my day and such. I specifically think of what I'm thankful for and things I've done well today. I saw someone's Christmas Tree and it was nice. I also thought about how lucky I am that I'm getting an education. So many of my friends have dropped out of school or just don't think college is right for them. I understand this, but I know God has given me a gift and I need to use my brain for more than just high school. I know no matter what I choose, whether it will be music or education or journalism or whatever, I'll be able to be actually educated in my field. And I'll be successful. There are so many people that can't get an education, and I'm very grateful for it.

why did i watch so many movies this weekend?

I got to see Wall-e the other night. It was amazing. I also got to see Twilight with Brad, Peter, and Kaela. I loved it of course, but it wasn't that great. It was just cool to see some parts of the story acted out and everything. Last night Ryan was kind enough to take me to the symphony. It was really neat, as usual. It made me want to get things done. Then we watched Hot Fuzz. It was a crazy movie. Today I went to the IUPUI fine arts & crafts fair. I think there were less than 10 people my age. Everyone else was, like, a hundred. Then Kara, Melissa, and I went to the My Hidden Track show. Yeah, the show was lame and all, but I missed those two so much, so I didn't even care. Then I went to Kara's and we watched Tropic Thunder. I have to say, that is the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen, aside from Kung Pow. Now I've been cleaning and doing laundry for awhile and I'm ready for some sleeps.

I wrote something about you and took it out. I mean, damn, it's been a year and a half. I would just like to know if you ever wonder how I'm doing.

introversion

Really, I just want to take Heidi [before the statue version] to live on the east coast in a small apartment with my computer and various instruments and only leave for cupcake mix and library books. The world is a beautiful place, but sometimes I can't handle the cruel, judgmental people in it. 

walking two steps forward

Playing for BSU Late Night was fun. I couldn't really hear myself or bradley because they didn't have any monitors, so we'll see how it was once the video is on the Internet. My day at Columbia was very interesting. After waking up at five, Melissa and I drove to Chicago. We figured out where we needed to be and went to the opening session. It started with a girl shaking a bag of carrots, which she then distorted and added guitar. Eventually it turned into a bunch of musicians from the school playing this crazy song and all these dancers and everything. It was really neat. I started to cry for some reason. Only  a little bit though. I'm too emotional. So then we went outside in the real real cold and looked at my building. I got to see some of the work rooms and equipment and such. I was like, the only girl in the program. lolz. Then some guy ran up to us in the car and was all "Are you girls here for the open house?" And when we said yes he was like "You girls are so beautiful" and skipped away. Then we went shopping, got lost, went to portillo's, and came home. Then yesterday Amanda, Kara, and I went to Louisville. We saw Memaw and Aunt Cindy. They were the most lady like Southern Belles I have ever met. Then we went to the show at the Bulldog Cafe. For some reason this drunk girl from my journalism class was there making out with this guy from FIAD. It was quite hilarious. Now I'm in the campus center with Metal Bryan, waiting for my mentor meeting. 

On a side not, my father texts me all the time but the only things he says are "whatup" or "rusafe" or "foodintrunk." lololol

while you lay there in slumber

I'm real excited for this weekend. Caitlin Dashney is staying with us. I won't get to see her much because of class and such, but seeing her face just brightens my day. Tomorrow we are being taped for BSU late night. I'm playing violin, so it should be real fun. Then I'm going to Alex's play Friday. Then I'm going to Chicago for a college day at Columbia on Saturday. THEN I'm going to Louisville for a show on Sunday. I'm never going to sleep. Next semester I'm choosing to go against my advisor's advising and take music theory II instead of French. This is my first step towards ruining and taking control of my life!

Tonight was no good. At all. 

Tonight was Julie's birthday party.  I was very glad I got to see all of them again. We even played dance dance revolution. And I was awesome at it. 

Talking to tulo and shawn about how prudish I am just confirms how important it is to me to meet someone who cherishes me enough not to push me to do things I don't want to. 

I'm probably going to sabotage myself into nonexistence.

for real

I woke up late today and missed my first class. I wanted to cry. But at least I'm in the campus center now with metal bryan drinking an iced chai tea latte. And he says he might be able to get me a job at one of the computer labs. If not I'll have to go back to coldstone. This is the first Thursday in a very long time I haven't spent with Brad, Peter, and Kaela. It's very weird.

Why is it that people think you're uneducated if you're Christian? It's like, if you don't believe it's possible that everything- the sky, the ground, intelligence, the human brain, dna and rna, love, plants, proteins, water, lightning, technology, nature, everything- came from ABSOLUTELY nothing you're completely ignorant. There are plenty of flaws and contradictions in their theories too, but it's like you can't bring it up if you want to be respected at all. I just want everyone to get along mannnn.

birds were singing to calm us down

This weekend was intense. I was with dylan, kaela, brad, and peter pretty much the whole time. We played music and watched movies and ate popcicles and had all kinds of fun. I didn't do much homework, but i'll get to that eventually I suppose. I played a lot of guitar and talked to some random sri lankan guy on skype. He keeps sending me broken heart smileys. Here is our conversation, it's pretty funny:

kalum.de.silva: 20:42:36

hi.................

Chelsea English: 22:26:38

hi

kalum.de.silva: 22:28:57

HOWA

kalum.de.silva: 22:29:17

HOW ARE YOU? (F)

Chelsea English: 22:29:22

i'm gooood

Chelsea English: 22:29:27

just playing guitar

Chelsea English: 22:29:28

you?

kalum.de.silva: 22:31:19

YES. I LIKE

kalum.de.silva: 22:33:55

SEE THAT YOURVPHOTO

kalum.de.silva: 22:34:24

SEE THAT YOUR PHOTO

kalum.de.silva: 22:34:54

:)

Chelsea English: 22:35:08

haha thank you

kalum.de.silva: 22:38:20

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

Chelsea English: 22:39:21

what are you sending me?

kalum.de.silva: 22:39:44

JOK

kalum.de.silva: 22:40:10

MY PHOTO

Chelsea English: 22:40:25

hahah i see it

kalum.de.silva: 22:40:49

OKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Chelsea English: 22:41:56

where are you from?

kalum.de.silva: 22:42:02

YOU DONT HAVE

Chelsea English: 22:42:46

?

kalum.de.silva: 22:43:36

SRI LANKA &GERMANI

kalum.de.silva: 22:44:11

GET MY PHOTO

Chelsea English: 22:44:40

why?

Chelsea English: 22:44:59

do you speak german?

Chelsea English: 22:45:11

ich liebe deutcshland

kalum.de.silva: 22:45:16

YOU DONT LIKE ME

Chelsea English: 22:45:45

i don't know you!

kalum.de.silva: 22:46:02

OK

kalum.de.silva: 22:46:25

YOU WONT ME

Chelsea English: 22:46:38

i cant get a virus!

kalum.de.silva: 22:46:44

(handshake)(F)(h)(F)(handshake):*

Chelsea English: 22:46:59

ich mag dir

Chelsea English: 22:47:03

ahha

kalum.de.silva: 22:48:34

I AM DISEBELE SOLDER. AIR FORCE

kalum.de.silva: 22:49:29

GUN SHOT ENJERI

kalum.de.silva: 22:51:44

PLS UNDERSTAND ME

kalum.de.silva: 22:52:14

(sweat)

Chelsea English: 22:52:36

i i understand you

kalum.de.silva: 22:53:59

I WONT GOOD FRIND

Chelsea English: 22:54:26

you won't understand me?

kalum.de.silva: 22:54:45

YES

Chelsea English: 22:56:05

why?

Chelsea English: 22:56:36

sprechen sie deutsch?

kalum.de.silva: 22:57:07

DONT MIND

Chelsea English: 22:57:23

dont mind what?

kalum.de.silva: 22:58:03

ARE YOU MY FRIND

Chelsea English: 22:58:22

of course

kalum.de.silva: 22:59:02

OK THANK.............HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY (F)

Chelsea English: 22:59:13

you're welcome

kalum.de.silva: 23:00:03

YOU WONT MY PHOTO

Chelsea English: 23:00:22

i i got it! i like your photo

kalum.de.silva: 23:01:39

I WONT YOU , YOR FAMILY PHOTO

Chelsea English: 23:01:56

i don't have one

kalum.de.silva: 23:02:40

ARE YOU MARRID

Chelsea English: 23:05:50

no

Chelsea English: 23:05:53

i have a boyfriend

kalum.de.silva: 23:06:31

GOODDDDDDDDD

kalum.de.silva: 23:07:22

SEX WITH GOOD

Chelsea English: 23:07:52

i don't know what you mean...

"you're meek, but not in a bad way. You're the kind of meek that shows that you are thoughtful and think about what you say. This makes it difficult for you to meet new people, but when you do and you get close to them you are a loyal friend. This makes it difficult for you to face conflict. You're witty and realist but at the same time still sensitive."

thinking.

You really start to question the validation of your existence when you can get people to like you for your looks, but can't get them to stick around because of your personality. I can't let that affect me anymore. Officially beginning hardassery.

dat innocent look may work wit hoomans

Tomorrow I'm going to skip lunch and work on all my homework. I've fallen too far behind in my classwork. Then hopefully Brad and Peter are coming down for The Office. Maybe even Dylan and Peyton can come. I get to go to the doctor Friday. But that means I miss piano. And I get to go to Bloomington to hang out with babiskot. But that also means I miss chicago/dashney/daveylately/adamsheets/pretty much everyone else. Today Tulo said "that would be like telling you not to be negative." I don't want to be like that anymore. When did I stop being a hardass and turn into Debbie Downer?

i take my twist with a shout

I pray everyday that somehow I'll figure out why I'm so tired all of the time. I'm just going to have to keep on keepin' on to figure out how to fix it. I'm still working on my dress. It's for my wedding. I'm going to wear it when I kill people. I'm going to visit my mom this week hopefully. And get a hair cut.

I don't need a smile from a mannequin. 

I just want to hold you in my hands!

kid those things are hard to miss

I played my first show tonight with Future Nature. I never think I do very well when I play, and it was very scary, but it was really fun. Playing As Tall As Cliffs with everyone was probably the most fun I've had in  a very long time. I think we'll be playing together again at village green sunday. I'm still super sick. I still haven't gotten my cat. I'm taking guitar next semester. I've been reading questionable content nonstop. 

iwishiwishiwishiwishiwish. 

I feel it all.

Today Nick came over and we played UNO. I had lots of fun. I'm still somewhat bedridden, and I skipped my first class today. Hopefully I won't have to skip mythology tomorrow. But at least I get to go to the doctor, and I won't have to worry about HPV anymore. And I'll get to find out some more information about the bone marrow situation. I almost had my dad talked into getting me a cat today. Then when I called him later about it he said "I was hoping you'd forget." I'm going to name it Boo Radley so I can call it Boo. I'm going to go read Hot Water Music so I can maybe give it back to Nathan eventually. I've never been a big Bukowski fan, but I've read pretty much all the Salinger I can, so I'll give it a try. Oh and of course I'll probably read Twilight again. In fact, maybe I'll read them all as many times as I can before the movie comes out. Or before I die. Who knows?

Where is my mind?

This isn't going to be interesting or exciting at all. I need to post this on the internet instead of just writing it down so that I'll have some incentive to hold myself accountable.

I'm going to pull myself out of this slump. My plan of action:

1. Get a job. School is too easy and getting better at piano isn't enough for me, so I need to get some sense of accomplishment by doing something more important than sitting around watching Talk Sex with Sue. Plus, I'll be able to get my new Minnetonka boots and start my polaroid-a-day project with the fat cash I'll be making.

2. Make a dress. I've had the supplies for one for almost a year now but I've been too scared to mess it up and waste the fabric. I'm sure this will happen but with my new job I'll be able to buy new fabric when I need to. 

3. Start my polaroid-a-day project. I'll be taking a polaroid of something super exciting each day to document my youth and realize how great things can be sometimes.

4. Go to the doctor and figure out why I'm so tired all the time.

5. Go to sleep.

mehr.

The most frightening thing I have ever experienced is what I am going through now. I look toward the future and see absolutely nothing for certain, besides about 80,000 dollars of debt in school loans. I have no idea what I want to do, no idea what to major in, no clue as to what classes to even take next semester. I know I'm not satisfied here. I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied anywhere. Everyday I can picture myself doing something different, and everyday I can picture myself completely unhappy doing that exact thing. I know college students go through something similar to this, but I feel like this is different. I have no interests in my classes besides getting good grades. I like being able to learn something new, but I never get excited about what I'm actually doing. I don't want to end up like every other human being who is dissatisfied at work, and I don't want to get a useless degree, and I want to be able to make a difference with my life. And the more I think about it, the worse it gets. 

hmm.

I love this essay I'm writing about how the Internet is changing the music industry. It's actually something that's interesting, and it's actually too long. That's the first time that's happened in college. I'm also writing an essay about women in the broadcasting industry. I also discovered I'm going to be one of the first woman in my family without having graduated from high school/ college with a child. I've decided I'm going to achieve my goals after I've figured them out so my grandmother can live vicariously through me. Right before my grandpa and her met, she was singing on the radio. Then everything changed. That's not going to happen to me. I'm going to marry myself like the Lifetime movie then figure out how to asexually reproduce. My car is going into the shop again- third time in two weeks. This weekend, I get to watch the Office with some of my besties and then have a hotel partay and then go see Margot at the Murat with almost all of my besties. 

Guess who should have never fallen for you?

This girl. 

oops voucher

Brad, Kaela, Amanda, Peter, and I carved a pumpkin last night. It's in the shape of a haunter. And we're going to get our pictures taken with it. I've missed my chance with a lot of things. But at least my english prof accepted my essay and I'm not going to fail the class. And I think this week might be the toughest of my academic career. Maybe I should only go to Muncie once. This morning I saw Ty Wy riding his bike and he went to the grocery with us. He's going to build me a nice bike that fits me. I can't wait to see Margot next week. All the deeges are coming in the apartment now. I think this next week at school will be the toughest of my academic career. 

rough day

Today is hard. I'm feeling pretty sick. And I've probably got another hour or so of homework left. Tonight I found an email from a prof that I hadn't turned in my first essay. I thought I did, but technology obviously failed me. So I have a zero for that grade. If I don't figure something out, I fail the class. At least I can look forward to The Office tomorrow. 

Anddddd you're real confusing.

lololol

I found an old friend's blog today. He is now a raging atheist. He says, "I have made fun of god and the idea of him everyday for easily the last 6 years." When we met roughly a year and a half ago, he told me he was a practicing Buddhist. Eventually he began talking about how he needed to start going to church with his family again. I wonder if it's a common occurrence for Atheists to bitch out of announcing their beliefs in front of girls they like? Or if he's just a cheating, lying...man? Probably both. It was really easy to post blogs all over the internet about how Christians are complete idiots, but when it came down to discussing it with someone he cared about, he couldn't back his shit up. 

Just another reason I hate men, and womenarebetterthanmen.com.

pissin' and moanin'

Too many awful things happened this weekend. I hate when people fight. I hate when people say mean things. I hate finding pictures of the two of you on the internet. I hate seeing old messages from old love interests. I hate being tired all of the time. I hate being so confused about everyone else, and what I'm supposed to do. And I still hate you. 

Waaahhhh. 

spectacular views

Sitting in journalism, waiting for Bob Dittmer to stop talking about some interview with Sugarland. I have too much homework today. I get to go home tonight and eat dinner with my family. Hopefully I'll get my car back too. I also get to take my sewing machine home to make Brad's birthday present. I can't wait to get my Finite test over with.

Sometimes I see the people at IUPUI and become really sad. Like, I can tell they're alone or they're not very smart or they're older or they haven't had the same opportunities that I have. I don't like it. 

into a thick mist of change

My hair is red again.

This weekend, Amanda, Kaela, and I went to Chicago. We got up way too early and saw some girl get run over by a bike. My worst fear. Tulo and Shawn stayed again last night. I really do have loads of fun when they come over. We watched Sex and the City. I had to find a book in the library and it was checked out. Lame. Tonight Brad and Peter surprised us and we all went to Olive Garden. My weekends seem to have a certain schedule with these particular friends, and I don't hate it. I have been skipping class a lot. I should stop. I can't wait until the office on thursday. And I love the fact that I've had time to play all my different instruments this week. Really. I'm in a good mood.

case of the sundays.

Thursday night, Kaela, Veronica, and I went to Muncie. We climbed trees and ate brownies with Peter and Brad. We made Brad sleep on the floor so Veronica and I could have a bed. Then Tulo And Shawn came Friday night. We drove all the way to Castleton and never found Old Navy. I love when they visit, except when they don't put their blankets away. And as for last night, I would rather forget the whole thing. I learned my lesson. Now I have about a million things to do and a million exciting things throughout the week.

and i feel like a fool.

At ten o clock Tuesday night, Kara, Amanda, and I got the awesome idea to go to Michigan. So we did. It was a bad decision, but an adventure none the less. Brad, Peter, and Bryan came to stay last night. It was pretty awesome, as usual. They're always able to make me laugh, no matter how upset I am. Tonight I've been doing all kinds of homework. And I still need to do laundry. 

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be,
Cause it's her you'll always love, and it's her I'll always envy.

the oats we sow

This weekend has been eventful. A Kidnap In Color stayed with us over the weekend. They were crazy and fun, but they took all the red bull. And we got to see Farewell Flight at the ROCC warehouse. I always love them because of the light show. And them in general. Then I went to Anderson for a little bit to hang out with Shawn and Tulo. It was awfully dark, rainy, and scary in that city. Then I had to go to funcie muncie and ended up staying because of the bad weather. And the bedtime stories. After getting Peter to carry me through the lave back to my car, I drove home and went to class. Now I'm going to Kara's to have a good old time.

From the day that we met.

So Kaela and I went to Muncie Thursday night. First we went to the show at the Launching Pad. Which ended up being a pretty sweet deal.  Then we stayed with Brad and Peter. We had lots of fun. We climbed this huge tree, and ghosts followed us around. Luckily, Peter was nice enough to tuck us in a million times and tell us a bedtime story. But! When we went back to find my car, it was gone. It got towed! And the people left my window down overnight while it rained. So I had to give the establishment ninety-five dollars. I'm eventually going to take the man down.

a few of my favorite things:

-talking about god.

-driving with my windows down and listening to the archers bows have broken and hide and seek.

-fall weather.

-worrying about my wisdom teeth now.

-vid chatting with peter and brad.

-watching law and order.

-getting an a on my math test.

-calling peter a bro.

I think

I just don't even want you in my life anymore.

This is me being a girl.

nevermind!

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

This week has been hectic. I have been all over the state. Thursday, Amanda, Kaela, and I went to Bloomington and hung out with Skot and his crazy friends. It was really fun staying up all night and becoming best friends with him. Friday, I had my piano lesson. Then Nathan, Kristen, Colleen, Kaela, and I went to First Friday. I always feel like people are judging me there. Saturday, Tulo and Shawn came over and watched all of season four of The Office. I was real upset at the end that Jim didn't propose to Pam. I even went home today and helped Dad cut the grass, since everyone else in my family has hurt their back. I got to take a nap there too. Now Amanda and I are going to clean my room since it is practically a hot tranny mess. 

I don't think I can allow myself to be important to someone. Although I welcome and appreciate help from my friends, being seen as more than that almost makes me uncomfortable. I want more than anything for this to be false, but it's too engrained in my nature to shy away from the attention. And it doesn't help that often when I become accustomed to and dependent on this kind of attention, it leaves just as fast as it came. I just need someone to prove me wrong. 

lists

Things I need to do today:

Write my ad analysis

Take a new myspace default [priority number one, obvz]

Finish my Finite quiz

Stop burning bridges

Stop being dumb

Practice my various musical instruments

Vacuum [pft]

Things I need to buy with my student loan:

Printer paper

Capo

New camera

Cell phone that has a working space bar button

Jetta

Ferret

Ferret supplies

Firearms

Machine that makes vampire babies 

Last night, Kaela and I went to bloomington to visit Skot. He's always so nice, and I missed him a lot! We even got to go to our old stomping grounds, Cascades Park. It was weird being back in Bloomington and not trying to get ahold of him. I'm going home for dinner tonight and I'm quite excited. 

truth box:

I'm going to be a bitter, angry girl for a very long time.

just 'cause it's easy.

Truth box:

I hope you can stop fighting so much, learn to appreciate people for their positive traits, and accept their negative ones. It's amazing how much you can tolerate someone who is "annoying" when you go without friends for a little while.

You act like such hard-asses, but I know you're just hurting a lot and want to take everyone else down with you. You're making the world a worse place to live in, and I want no part of it. 

I wish I could have made you better. 

I wish I could have made you succeed. 

I wish I could run into you again. 

a wish

The other day I learned in my Classical Myth class that Zeus was commonly thought of as a protective father, a law-enforcer, and an unfaithful husband. How is that okay? 

College is getting easier. It's not so scary once you get used to doing it. I'm really excited for this weekend. I'll be in Muncie tomorrow to hang out with Ryan/Brad/pretty much everyone else. And then Friday I'm going to the football game to see the guard and then Tulo and Shawn are coming to stay. 

the oats we sow,
they could seed on forever with nowhere to grow
but the heart, we know,
when it's askin its exact twin it will not be alone

The neighborhood is bleeding.

College is scary and hard. I never know exactly what I'm supposed to be reading/doing/writing down. And I don't really know why I'm doing all of it because I don't even know what I want to do. But at least I got some basketball shorts 2 for $10.

I have to stop giving up so much.

take it easy, love nothing.

Last night, Kaela, Veronica, Amanda, John, Brad, Nick, Bryan, Ryan, Cody, and I went to thirteen graves to hunt. I didn't really see anything. Actually, the night was pretty awful until the end. Today, I got up at noon, took the boys home, went to piano, picked up Kara, played guitar with Ryan, and started on my homework. It was all very exhausting.

No matter how cliche it sounds, I finally understand that we all want something or someone we can not have. We settle for someone who can lessen the loneliness, but we are never truly happy with the decisions we have made. Society would not function if all the citizens followed their dreams. Families would not exist if everyone followed his or her heart. 

I'm a big girl now.

Today was my first day of college. It wasn't very hard. I had a lot of friends there, and I only had one class. But I speculate that tomorrow will be much different. I have three classes. I'm mostly excited about my Greek Mythology class. AND I got a guitar. I'm going to be the next Katy Perry. I'm so tired I'm using nothing but simple sentences.

Goodnight all.

menarebetterthanwomen.com

As much as I'd like to say I disagree with this website, I have to admit that most of what Dick says is true. Most women are insecure and will do almost anything for attention. Most women will use their bodies to get what they want [money, cars, diamonds, food, etc.] In fact, most women will do almost anything to get something they want. For example, my mother is still punishing my father vicariously through me because of alimony. Most women feel like they shouldn't be discriminated against because they are fat or ugly, but discriminate against other women if they are fat or ugly. Most women will give away personal information for a candy bar. Let's just face it, I probably would. Most women are catastrophically emotional, myself included. And the end of the world will probably start with some woman putting on mascara while driving or trying to get herself further in the business world by having sex with some rich dude in a pile of money, dually creating a superhuman-standard std and the best way to spread it all over the united states of greed.

So in essence, I hate myself, women, men, and everyone in between!


: ]

It's the lovin' lives we long for.

A man in a hotel room, tangled to his teeth by the telephone.
He's waiting on a woman, wondering what she's doing,
And pacing so his pulse won't slow.
He drums his legs and pulls his hair; he carves her dimples in the air.
The raging world has spooked him scared, and he don't want her lost out there.
So now it's later than it needs to be,
And though his aching eyes want sleep,
Against all rationality,
Against everything he believes,
He prays for her protection,
Heaven bound & glory be.
I pray for your protection,
Heaven bound & glory be.

Adventures in Hallucinations

At about ten o'clock this evening I was home alone treating my staph, and I heard people in the apartment. So I thought Amanda came home. When I said her name she didn't answer. This realization caused me to call her to see if she left again, and she promptly informed me that she hadn't come back. So I flipped OUT. After locking myself in the bathroom [with heidi of course] amanda raced home. I had to wait for twenty minutes in the shower with both my doors locked and pepperspray in hand. I kept calling my dad and her, and I was crying I was so scared. I continued to hear banging around on stuff and knocking on my door. Eventually, Amanda arrived and hit the buzzer, and someone from inside unlocked the door for her. Amanda and I then ensued our search through the apartment, and we both had our pepperspray one y chromosome away from use. We looked around and couldn't find anyone. So we reasoned that they had gone through the air vent. 


Basically, I could quite possibly be hallucinating because of the medicine I'm taking.

You weave gracefully, gracefully weave

Yes, I have staph. I'm falling apart.

Following through our earlier promises for the summer, Amanda, Kara, Heidi, and I went to kara's pool to sun bathe and read Cosmopolitan. We took lots of pictures. Then Ryan and Veronica came over to get some donuts and sit on the circle. It was beautiful outside tonight.





I think I write in my real journal less when I write in my livejournal. I should fix that.

So I can keep on stompin' in mah air onez.

I've started losing track of what day it is. That is either a good or bad sign.

I stayed at Skot's last night with Beerad and Ninja Nick. The night before, Tulo, Shawn, and MAH stayed at my apartment. I'm not a hoe! It's really nice to just hang out with a bunch of boys and being silly and laughing at silly things most girls would find immature. I've almost finished Breaking Dawn. Today, I bought two different kinds of polaroid cameras so I could start the whole polaroid-a-day thing. Sleeping and reading is consuming my life. I'm going to get up early and exercise or something so I don't feel like an ultra fail. I also got to see my good friend Nick today after not seeing him for seven whole months! We went to the bodies exhibit at the mall and found out it was 22 dollaz so we just backed out slowly. Now I'm going to go write a thank you note to Bart for getting us an end table.


Look what we bought for the apartment:





funny right?

Once Again.

Chad, Marshall, and Zach stayed at my apartment for a few days while they were in town. It was very fun, but somewhat disturbing to see how boys act when they're comfortable. Tuesday was my last day at coldstone. It feels awesome being unemployed. Tomorrow I'm going to the state fair. 






You made me feel special for a little while, and I lived in denial of the situation between the two of us. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

post-warped wrap-up

The day was off to a rough start. I had trouble sleeping last night, and we all woke up late this morning. Naturally, we didn't know what to wear. The employee at fye didn't give Kara her ticket, he gave her the receipt. So I had to buy her a new one. By the time we got in, I missed the first ten minutes of 3OH!3 and was quite upset about it. The rest of the afternoon wasn't too exciting. I saw Confide, Sky Eats Airplane, and Forever The Sickest Kids. That was a pretty insane set. We then saw All Time Low and The Audition. We always love ATL and had been waiting to see The Audition for 10 years or so, so that was great. My favorite set was by far Motion City Soundtrack. I managed to work my way to the rail and was fighting off the crowd-surfers somewhat successfully. It was amazing to see them still be really excited to play. And they played My Favorite Accident, which made my life. So it was a good day all in all. Last night, I got to go to Terre Haute to my high school's band camp. I missed those girls so much. I miss performing, too. 



I have to believe I can feel good,
good will come out, 

I can be alone, yeah.

Ultimately, boys have only caused me heartache, pain, annoyance, sickness, anxiety, and self-doubt. Ultimately, boys have cost me time, money, great opportunities, self-esteem, and my sanity. I have been alone for a long time. I have been taking care of myself for a long time. Why must I continually give these important aspects of my life to those who don't deserve them? After several years of these mistakes, I've finally learned my lesson the hard way. Thinking about being in a relationship not only scares me, but it repulses me. My natural instinct has now turned into ruining relationships before they start by telling my suitors some stupid excuse or just ignoring them. I have tried to force myself to change this habit, but now I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to alter this behavior. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to waste my time anymore. I definitely can't afford to waste money anymore. I want to learn, help people, make music, and have fun. I won't let being alone cause me to feel any worse about myself, and I won't let any other person affect my happiness. I will only trust and depend on God. So until he leads me to someone that can prove me wrong, I don't believe that relationships work or will have a positive impact on my life. And until someone can prove me wrong, I won't feel jealous of the couple having a picnic on the canal. I won't wish I had someone to watch The Lion King with. I won't wait for someone to visit me at work. I have my own life, my alone life, and I will be much more satisfied with it.

This has been one of the most eventful weeks of my life. Living here has been amazing. I finally feel comfortable coming home, and although it's not the home I am waiting for, it's a step in the right direction. We have had many adventures so far:
-all the spiders and centipedes Amanda and I have had to vacuum up
-walking on the canal at all hours of the night and not getting kidnapped [in color]
-playing Magic with Alex
-sitting on the circle
-making ridiculous dinners with Amanda
-solving Kara's boy crisis
-getting DD with Melissa during Expo [big mistake]
-dyeing my hair with Amanda and Jon
-seeing hot water shoot out of our espresso machine
-sitting on the hill and listening to kevin devine at sunset and being a big cheez ball
-sleeping in until whenever I wake up
-getting lost and almost mugged with Ryan
-playing mad gab with Nathan, Skot, Brad, and Alex
-staying up all night with Tulo and Shawn
-watching too much Arrested Development with Kaela and Amanda
-thinking of all the amazing things that are happening to me right now, and only being completely overwhelmed, haggard, and spazzy the majority of the time as opposed to all of the time.




p.s. I'm still not over you.

July 16th, 2008

I was going to be your queen.
But- you beheaded me.

God, My God

Where have you been?

Hey, come back to me.

We were young and learning.
Steady hearts hate turning.
That's where we went wrong.




Amanda, Kara, and I just walked around the canal for the first time since I've moved in. I saw someone I really could have done without seeing. But at least now Ryan is coming to hang out and we can watch Greek.

Truth box.

Sometimes I think you like me.

Movin' on up

Today, I am moving out of my house. I figured that statement was epic enough so I need not elaborate too much. But! This is the plan for the day: 1. Meet Amandee at the G of CC at 9:15 to sign the lease and get the keys. 2. Move my life in. 3. Possibly walk to the Indians' game. 4. Bro down.

Yesterday Amanda got in the car and I realized I couldn't get the door open, and I came to another realization that the car we were getting into was not mine. We're crazy. 




Look what I found the other day:

July 11th, 2008

I wanted to make a nice post about my feelings about moving out, growing up, etc.
But I can't do that because all I can think about is a band having the audacity to post a bulletin about us from their myspace that was full of blatant lies and loaded language.
I generally don't care what people think of us because most people hate us anyway. But to think that after we had a GOOD show, where the touring bands were paid and had an AMAZING time, we STILL can't get any respect. And I'm tired of working so hard in order to just get completely disrespected in return.

And on top of all this, of ALL THIS, he was talking to both her and me about how cute we were. And how pretty our eyes were. And how amazing we were. And I looked at old messages from someone else. And i just couldn't stand it. The plastic words were so desperate but so fake and it was too late for them, and it just made me sick. And I want to say all of this to you but i think if i ever speak to you or see you i might be inclined to physically hurt you.

So yes. At this current moment in time there are four males in this world that I don't hate with every fiber of my being.

And you're raging head can finally rest.

Pop goes my heart.

When I was young, boys were nice to me so I would share my candy with them.
Eventually, boys flattered me in order to get answers from my homework.
Now, they sweet-talk me in order to get shows.
Soon enough, they'll beg me not to kill them. 


Yes, I said it. I will kill you.

Adventures In Chicago

After finally waking Amanda, picking up Kara, and mapquesting the entire state, the three of us sped our way down 65 North to the fine city of Bolingbrook to utilize our Ikea gift cards. After purchasing several light fixtures, a canopy, towels, and sparkling pear juice, we finally made it to Milwaukee St. in order to visit several thrift stores and American Apparel. My extreme thrifting skillz led me straight to a pair of tan cowboy boots that I've been dreaming about since I was a young girl. We then proceeded to sit in traffic for about an hour trying to get to Elmhurst. Getting through the throngs of drunk Cubs fans was a hassle, but an adventure all the same. We finally got to the Holiday Inn and got to see our bestie Melly after a long wait of three. whole. days. Currently, we are drinking our sparkling pear juice and partying it up.

Wait,

what are my priorities?

Destiny.

Why does it seem like the wrong people always wander back into my life at the worst possible times?

"There are stains on these sheets...and hairs."

In a fit of ghost-hunting, adventure-seeking excitement, Amanda, Kaela, Kara, and I ventured to St. Louis and the historical Lemp Mansion. First, we visited the arch, and then we toured the beer factory. I learned much more about beer than I ever thought I could. Get this- Budweiser beer is the only brand bottled with a 'born-on' date. Shortly thereafter, we went to the Shakespeare festival, where fire-eaters and various other performers entertained us in Shakespearian-era clothing, except for the cargo shorts. Then we saw the actors perform King Richard the IV. It was sad and crazy. And difficult to understand who was in what family because some actors were...ethnic. We traversed back to the Lemp Mansion (where the famous brewery mogul William Lemp and his family had lived and committed suicide) to sleep soundly in the personal quarters of Charles Lemp and his wife. Charles shot himself in the room and his wife died of cancer. We explored the house but failed to see any signs of ghosts of the family. 






I'm in a funny mood today.

Walking through these spiderwebs.

I thought I would love being out of school, but now I only feel unproductive.
All the time I just think about all the things I want to do, but instead I just hang out. 
I'm wasting away my life on myspace.

Crystal Ball

I think I'll be pulling teeth for the rest of my life in order to get things to work out.

July 6th, 2008

The endless queue of meaningless actvities is wearing. me. down. I'm tired of wandering through my life with no purpose or sense of direction. I want to make a difference in something, anything. And I want to be important to someone. I don't want to to continue my childish, unsatisfying existence while everything around me needs to change. 

So please take my life and use it. I'm ready.